Fast Forward 4 Years Later

Below is the extraction of my blog post 4 years ago. When I was actively blogging and being so open pouring whatever it was in my heart.

I dedicate this post to the people who are feeling exactly like me 4 years ago. I was feeling kind of lost then. Depressed. Like a loser. But time do change things, you know? If you are willing to change too.

Out of everything that I said 4 years ago, I've accomplished most of it. Of course I am not as rich as Donald Trump (just yet). But most importantly, I have goals and I know I am on track in achieving my goals. This time, not all for money.

And most importantly, I feel content.

I am thankful to my young self for being strong and deciding to go on with the life changing decision then. I know it was hard, I walked the path. I am hoping my 30 years old self now keep being strong & focus while staying humbling close to the ground so that my 35 years old self will be proud of me, someday.

P/S: Excuse my 26 years old "beautiful" language. I curse a lot those days. Hehe.

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Wednesday, Jan 21,2009

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My feelings & self-esteem have never been this bad in my whole life.
It's life threatening. Highly dangerous.

The odd thing is I am actually happy with myself.
But I feel down and sad at the same time.
Insanity.

And I know exactly what is going on with me.

I need my retail therapy but I should put that on hold at this moment.
I need to build my asset. huargghrrgetfjshygdbvdfd.

On a related matter, I remember a conversation with En suami few weeks back.
I told him that I need to build my own assets,
so that I will be okey if someday he decided to leave me.
Or maybe dia ada simpan anak ikan kerana masa itu kami adalah kaya raya tahap Donald Trump.

I need to bulid my assets sebab sekarang janda kaya adalah sangat laku dan boleh mendapat pakwe muda. hoho
Gurau ok. Gurau.

We decided to build our assets and our assets are my assets and my assets are my assets.
Kan yang kan???

And do you know how hard it is to build an asset.
And how cynical others could be?
And how heartbreaking it is not able to spend your dime on your favourite thing when you actually afford it after working so fucking hard to earn the money.
And how sick it feels to look at other person who can shop and own all the things that you wish you have?
memang patah semangat kadang-kadang.

And yes, I have stop reading the shop and show blog because it makes me sick each time. Jelousy. I want one too!!!!
I also stop reading fashion magazine because it makes me feel ugly and fat.
I stop looking at others designer handbag because not owning one nearly makes me cry.
pathetic? yes.
I stop reading supermom's blogs because it makes me feel like I am a lousy mother who did not breastfeed and now my daughter is falling sick at least once a month. I feel terrible!
and i can only cook 1 same dish for my baby because my time is limited and i am so tired juggling between classes, work, asset building, house chores and etc.

I have decided to fuck them all.

But ada satu benda yang until now I torture myself into.
Setiap kali buat hati bertambah sakit tapi masih juga menjenguk.
Sebab bagi saya dia ada apa yang saya tiada dan even though bernanah hati masih juga bertahan.
I motivate myself by torturing myself.
Irony but true.

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Alhamdulillah for all the rezeki. I know now, rezeki is not only in term of money.